I realized, recently, that I need an outward-facing blog.
What does that mean?
Well the thing is, I have multiple blogs. Two are exclusively for posting art, and one is my (private) "inward-facing" blog, which functions as a kind of journal. I would always try to merge these into one, but to be completely honest, I don't think that would really work. So I thought it would be nice to have a blog that caters specifically to a readership.
What readership, you ask? I don't know. Maybe someday, I'll be well-known enough to where someone finds this blog, tucked away in the far corners of Blogger, and learns about all the stuff I went through to try and make something of myself. Because the reality is that I want to go far. I want to accomplish lots of things, and sometimes, my own ambition gets in the way in the form of anxiety and lethargy.
Here is yet another attempt to remedy that issue.
The thing is, dear reader, you and I have only one life to live. You know this. I know this. The thing is, we rarely come to terms with that. Memento mori. Remember death.
Over the next few months, I want to try and really hone in on my life goals in the short and long term. I really want to figure out exactly what is it I want out of life, because lately, I've felt a bit stuck. I'm not going to go into details, but it has been kind of a rut. Mostly due to the pandemic, I'd venture to say, but in all honesty, I've been feeling like this since before it, I think.
So I am going to take a little time now to figure out what is it I want TODAY. And then in subsequent posts, we can talk about what I want this week, next week, this month, this year, and the next few years.
Today was a difficult day. I could not get myself to do work. Why? One reason was that it was really cold and windy today. The sun did not shine at all today, and it cast a literal shadow over me. I also am preoccupied on the transition of power that is supposed to happen tomorrow. I'm also worried about my stepmother, who has just went in for her fourth round of chemo.
I feel a bit lonely. I think I can remedy this by hanging out with some friends tomorrow, but I can't seem to shake the feeling of inadequacy. As if my entire life has kind of been a lie or something.
Newsflash: it hasn't. Yes I've struggled. Yes I've taken a longer path. But there's still time to make something of myself. In fact, I already have. I just want more. But just because I want more doesn't mean I have to kill myself over it. I can simultaneously appreciate everything I've accomplished and also make plans to achieve more in life.
So now that we analyzed a little bit about what went wrong today, we can make some changes for tomorrow. For instance, I can make some time to play a video game with friends tomorrow night. I can possibly call a friend I haven't talked to in a while.
I also ate Del Taco in the morning, which probably contributed to my shitty feels. It happens. While I have tried this before, I'll incorporate a "no junkfood, no soda" column in my Daily Log. I also am going to get really serious with IF.
So what to do with the rest of today? Let's get some good sleep hygiene going. I'm going to take some melatonin now and work until about 10 PM, when I will retire to my bed.
OK, let's do this thing.
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